Following the entry in the Journal of Jules Renard: February 26, 1906
"Mon passé, c'est les trois quarts de mon présent. Je rêve plus que je ne vis, et je rêve en arrière.”
"My past is three-quarters of my present. I dream more than I live, and I dream backward."
This moment is an open door,
but I stand with my back to it,
gazing through the glass pane of memory.
Three-quarters of my breathing life
is a shadow play, flickering on the wall
behind my eyes.
It is a tapestry woven yesterday,
and I am merely admiring the finished cloth,
not the single thread I hold today.
I do not truly live.
I observe the present with a tourist's detachment,
a passing interest in a foreign land
that holds no claim on my heart.
My true residence is in the echoes.
I am a deep-sea diver,
constantly descending to salvaged scenes:
old conversations, the texture of a lost laugh,
the ache of a specific, unrepeatable sunrise.
I am always dreaming backward.
It is a heavy, irresistible gravity.
The future is a blur of light that hurts my eyes;
the present is a minor inconvenience.
Only the past is solid,
and it is where I choose to drown.
Jennifer Freya Helgeson is an emerging Maryland-based poet exploring themes of memory, loss, nature, and resilience. A PhD in Environmental Economics, she is a widely published author and researcher. Outside of writing, Jennifer enjoys gardening, dancing, and cooking, while prioritizing meaningful time with her dog, close friends, and family.