When our family rabbit died, it was the doldrums of January,
All grey and biting and spitting down snow.
A cold year for Virginia.
The ground was still frozen, too hard to dig him a grave deep enough
To keep the rain from turning him up again.
So we tucked him away in a shoebox, decorated with hearts and stickers,
And folded our thoughts of him delicately away
In the industrial freezer we kept in the garage
While we waited for spring to thaw the red clay.
Eventually, the sun broke through and the daffodils sprouted,
And a shovel could finally cut through the baby grass.
The red clay loosened, unfolding itself to make way for
Shoots and blooms.
Out came the box.
Out of some morbid fascination, I opened it and peeked inside.
Trick lay there on his side,
His tufted spots sparkling slightly with frost.
You may not know this, but because of the shape of bunnies’ spines,
They have to flop over on their side before they can rearrange their
Little bones into a laying position.
That’s how he looked—mid-flop, ready to snuggle up
Once his frame was flush with the ground.
But instead, he was cast in perfect stillness.
Suspended somewhere between life and death.
No longer with us, but corporeally tethered to us still.
I can’t put you in the freezer and delay your departure that way.
You wouldn’t fit, for starters. You don’t fit anywhere now.
Not at the empty kitchen chair you used to haunt,
Not rattling at the other end of an unstable phone line.
Not by the window folding the yellowing pages of your Bible
Again and again and again.
I find myself in some liminal space, defying July’s fiery sun
With the permafrost that holds me here,
Sunken into the tundra of your laughter
And your smile lines
And your puttering around a holiday kitchen.
I’m left banging my fists on the cold, hard ground,
Wondering how to hold on to you
Now that you no longer exist.
Alyssa Curcio is a reproductive justice activist and lawyer. Her scholarship has been published in the Columbia Journal of Gender and Law and the Duke Environmental Law & Policy Forum. A Virginia native, Alyssa currently lives in New York City.